I was shuffling through the old songs in the playlist when i came across this set of lyrics...

Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted
One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip? - Eminem

A question which had never crossed my mind when i was blasting this song on my speaker two years ago. But two years later on a hushed night, these words creeped into my ears, and echoed through my mind, until it became so apparant.

I used to have it all craved out. I used to pave the path i will take, define my careers options, select the scholarships, choose the college courses and most importantly, know what i want.

Then i came HC.

Somehow i became disillusioned, completely uninterested in the subjects which i used to excel it. Okay, i didnt exactly excel in them in CHS, but at least i was in the process of learning, of acquiring knowledge in these field. Perhaps it was the crap lecture-tutorial system, or the poor bunch of teachers that we got. Or perhaps these are just excuses. Perhaps these subjects werent to my liking in the first place.

Hence the poor lecture attendance. The amount of undone tutorials. The number of times when i went to a test unprepared. Like how it is Maths Exam tommorow and i refused to study, or even rest properly. The poor attitude, in general.

Such was the impact of my actions and my state of mind that it gradually diminished everything which i have painstaking planned for, everything which i used to think i have a passion for. In another words, i have no longer an idea of what i desire for, and without a clue of that i would probably have to let the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity slip past me. Fuck it.

I realised that despite achieving a "marks per amount of effort" that others could only be jealous of, despite being labelled intelligent occasionally by my classmates, i have slipped into mediocracy. I m no longer what i used to be, or what i perceive i would become. I could not consider myself to be better or even equal as a person relative to ITE students (no insult here) who aspire to be hairdressers.

On a lighter note i found myself more inclined, and highly enthusiatic about acquiring econs knowledge. Not from HC notes or textbooks though.

But i m too tired now. I just need rest.