A new priest at his first sermon was so nervous hecould hardly speak.After church he asked an elder how he had done.The elder replied, " When I am worried about gettingnervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next tothe water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take asip."So next Sunday he took the elder's advice.At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous andtook a drink.He proceeded to talk up a storm.Upon his return to his office after the service, hefound the following note on the door:Sip the vodka, don't gulp.There are 10 commandments, not 12.There are 12 disciples, not 10.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to asDaddy, Junior and the spook.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out ofhim.When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off hisdonkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,"take this and eat it for it is my body." He did notsay " Eat me" .The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.The recommended grace before a meal is not:Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest atST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's